How Did I End Up Here?

I'm gonna be honest.
I wasn't going to blog today.
I just wasn't feeling it and I didn't want to just babble about nothing which is actually what I normally do anyways.
I was going to catch up on reading other blogs.
Every once in awhile I go into major stalker mode and read millions of new blogs. You never know who you will meet or how they will affect your life. So, that was my plan for today. Oh and working too, obviously.

But then came this post.
I'm not an emotional person.
I never have been.
I'm not a hugger. I'm not gushy except with FH. And I'm def not a crier (and I don't even know how to spell it....).
But that post took me back.

Back to the day when I had to move out of my home.
The home I had known for 5 years.
The home that I had raised my kids in.
The home I spent COUNTLESS nights alone in.
The home that I thought was mine.
And moved into my dad's house log cabin up in the woods.

I was scared.
I wasn't even close to my dad.
I had my sister call my dad to ask her if the girls and I could move in.
Cause I was too chicken.
And too embarassed.
How's that for being a grownup?
Oh, and his driveway was straight up hill and gravel so I was scared to drive on it. And I'm DEATHLY afraid of mice. And log cabins in the woods have mice, y'all.
But I figured that living with country mice had to be better than living with a husband rat.
So I did it.
And my ex? He helped me move by throwing ALL of my clothes into the front yard. Wasn't that helpful?

The point of this post isn't to tell you how hard I had it.
I don't think I had it hard.
I had no idea how miserable I was until I found out what a real marriage was like. What it felt like to be loved back. What it felt like to not walk on egg shells just so you don't end up in a huge fight.
Now I know. Now I know what potential life has.
But I wouldn't know had I not gone through all that.
I wouldn't appreciate FH for simple tiny things.
Like stopping by the store at 5AM just to buy me a Red Bull.
Or telling me not to worry about the dishes, that he'll do them while I'm at the gym.
I wouldn't realize how good I have it now, and I would take him for granted.

The point of this post is actually me, just thinking out loud.
That's why the thoughts are so scattered. Sorry.
How did I end up here?
When did I become so flippin' happy?
What did I do in my "first life" as a desperate housewife to deserve this amazing life I have today?
Did karma really just hand me a slice of heaven because of all I went through?

I think you have to make big decisions for yourself.
You have to take action to make yourself happy.
When I was living at my Dad's house, I took that opportunity to go BACK to school and get a second degree.
I switched jobs so I could be closer to home.
And that meant a pay cut. A substantial one. But it had good potential.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices now to benefit later.
{Best decision I ever made. besides marrying FH of course}
Did I want to change everything and go back to school? No. But I knew I could support my kids if I did.
And honestly, I needed to be busy to distract myself.
Then came school and a job and single parenthood.
And tears.
Cause waking up at 5 to do homework isn't fun.
And it isn't easy.

I had a blog back in the day that absolutely no one read.
This post goes to show that life wasn't easy.
Just simple things that I had to do on my own.

I met FH and fell in love.
He was too good to be true.
He still is.
I hung out with my friends. I enjoyed my kids.
I got closer to God.
I enjoyed life.

And slowly, but surely, I moved on.
I even developed a better life.
I love my job now.
I bought my own house.
I still can't believe that.
I honestly wanted to put a sign up on my front porch that said SCREW YOU, MY HOUSE IS BIGGER AND NICER AND I DID IT ALL ON MY OWN.
You know, just because I can.
But the funny thing is, once I got to that point.
The point in life where I was able to throw up a middle finger at my past...I didn't care to.
They say that love and hate are both strong emotions. Both mean you at least care.
I never thought I would get to a point where I didn't care at all.
But the opposite of love and hate are indifference.
And that's what I am towards that life now, indifferent.
I couldn't care less about anything but my present.

Some days little things will remind me of that life.
I won't every forget it cause I'm still Jenny from the block.
Every time that I don't have to scrape ice off my car because it's in the garage, I appreciate it.
Every time that I drive down my nice, paved, flat driveway, I appreciate it.
Every time that I see my kids running around in our backyard, I appreciate it.
Every time that I get a kiss from my husband, a helping hand, a motivational conversation, I appreciate it.
And I always will.

The past truly makes you the person that you are now.
Live it. Learn from it. And don't dwell on it. And then, do what you can to make the future exactly what you want it to be.

I'm no expert, just a girl that's been there but still managed to find love and happiness. It's never to late to find your "happily ever after".

Happy Friday y'all! I promise to be back with my normal nonsense on Monday since this was a little deep. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

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