I knew this time would come.
And I wasn't sure how I would feel about it.
It's Harper's 1st birthday.
There won't be a lot of celebrating.
I won't have pictures of him with a smash cake.
Which would have had little monsters on it, in case you were wondering.
Our house won't be decorated up and no friends will come over.
But I'm celebrating his life.
Not a life of 365 days on this earth.
But a life that affected more than most people do in years.
A life that taught me all about living.
And how to be a better mom.
A life that showed me how brave his sisters are.
They make me proud to call myself their Mom.
The hardest question I ever get asked is:
"How many kids do you have?"
Honestly, it's awkward when you tell someone that you have a child in heaven.
I guess they expect me to bust out in tears immediately.
I feel like I'm lying if I say 2, but if I say 3 and they ask where the other one is,
it gets awkward.
But I'm proud to be a mom of 3.
I'm proud that y'all just think you have an angel for a child,
but I really do.
I'm proud that God gave me 5 months with that sweet boy,
when I never even expected 72 hours.
I'm proud that God made me smart enough to cherish every single second I had with him.
And I really did.
FH has been out of town since Friday.
(It's Monday.)
This is the longest I have been away from him since I married him.
And the girls were with their Dad.
I missed them.
All 3 of them.
But it was even worse because of the timing.
All I could think about was that in a perfect world, Harper and I
would have been home alone.
A Mommy/Son weekend would have been a dream.
I miss Harper.
I really, really miss him.
But as much as I want to be angry, I can't be.
I watched videos of him.
And cried. A lot.
It was the first time I had seen him move or heard him since he died.
How great are iPhone videos?
Yes, they made me sad.
But they also helped me remember.
I had a friend tell me that they would never get over it if they lost their child.
And you know what I thought?
How could I hate God for taking away Harper when he let me keep FH and K&A?
There are so many blessings in my life, that I can't even begin to count them.
So I can't focus on what I am missing.
Besides, Harper was pretty dang cute.
I can see where God wanted him close in heaven. :)
The two scariest moments in my entire life were the day when Harper was born,
and I thought he would die,
and the day that he actually did die.
What a blessing it is that those were two seperate days.
That we loved on him and kissed on him during the time he was here.
I wouldn't trade that for the world.
I can't wait to see what God has in store for all little family of five.
I know there are big plans ahead.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes.
And thanks to my friends for checking on me all weekend.
The only thing I did that I regret is eat my weight in pizza.
We'll blame that on the birthday.
And the fact that there were no witnesses.
Happy Monday.
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