I'm gonna be real honest and tell you that I'm glad Christmas is over.
I always enjoy celebrating Jesus' birthday, and this time was no different.
But it just felt wrong.
I spent the night with Harper on Christmas Eve.
It was our first year in several that the girls were spending the night with their Dad on Christmas Eve.
I LOVE staying with Harper.....
but our family of 5 slept in 3 different places that night.
And that was heartbreaking.
I enjoy spending the night with Harper even more now since I get to be a part of his bottles when he gets them. Makes me feel like his real Mom!
Right now he gets a bottle every other meal, and the other times it just goes into his tube.
I requested that he get his bottles at 11 & 5 so that every day after work, I can give him his 5 bottle.
This schedule works well for us.
And by the way, he is doing AMAZING with his bottles. Taking almost everything he is given currently. They will probably move him to getting every meal through a bottle soon, and I hope he handles it well. It's just a lot of work for such a little guy! (weighing in at 4 lbs, 13 oz currently.)
Back to Christmas.....
The morning went okay.
It was a little bit lonely but BH and I kept each other company pretty well.
And then FH came to the hospital to hang out with us.
We had cafeteria food for Christmas lunch....not exciting.
Then we were off to get the girls for Christmas with them!
I have now left Harper in my rearview mirror 94 times (give or take a few days when I spent the night)....and not one time has been as difficult as leaving him on Christmas Day.
I just felt like I was abandoning him.
Whose Mom leaves them on Christmas??
I knew it had to be done.
As much as I would have loved to stay in that hospital room all day long (or better yet, sneak him out in my diaper bag), I have to take care of my other kids too.
We enjoyed the rest of the day with family. And it was fun....but only half of my heart was in it.
The rest was laying in a big boy crib and getting fed his bottle by a nurse.
Our nurses are great, but they aren't Mama.
Every single bottle that I miss hurts my heart.
So I enjoyed Christmas.
I appreciate every single bit of the true meaning of the holiday.
And it was a day well spent.
But I'm happy to move past it this year.
Closer to the day that we get to bring BH home.
We are ready whenever you are Harper. :)
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Dec 26, 2013
Dec 23, 2013
Dear NICU Moms.....
Check out my new blog header!!! BH is finally added to the top thanks to my friend Holly!
The other day I was in the elevator at the hospital.
Another young couple was in there and then a Mom and her daughter.
The young couple had a bunch of bags, pillows, and blankets with them.
The Mom made the comment that they looked like they were planning on staying for awhile.
Which, I might add, is a risky comment to make to anyone in a hospital elevator in my opinion.
The couple responded by telling us that their child had been at the hospital for a year, they were discharged only to go home for about 5 minutes and have to come right back because he/she got sick.
And my heart broke for them.
It's not often that I want to hug complete strangers, but I wanted to hug them both.
Can you even imagine?
I can't. Like at all.
This family has since been in my prayers and I would love if you could have them in yours too.
Every time that I see a new baby brought in to the hospital on our floor, I feel the mom's pain.
When I think back to how sick to my stomach I was at BH's first ambulance ride, at leaving the hospital and going to a new one, leaving the nurses that we were familiar with, I am just overwhelmed.
I cried a lot that day and was scared out of my mind.
And each time I see a family that is just starting out on the journey that we have been on for 3 months, I want to just sit them down and tell them it's all going to be okay.
But the reality is, it might not be.
Not every story progresses as well as ours has. Not every tiny baby grows a double chin. And slowly
develops stronger lungs.
I am grateful that we have progressed with leaps and bounds, but I can't help but hurt for the others.
As you enjoy Christmas with your loved ones this year, please keep all the families in the hospital in your thoughts and prayers. I know I am strong enough to see past the fact that I will wake up at the hospital on Christmas morning, I know that it is not where you are but who you are with.
I know that there is a light at the end of our tunnel and we will hopefully be bringing BH home sooner than later, but not all familes there have that. Not all of them can see past the hospital walls and the monitors and the IVs and the sickness to see the good. But I pray that each of them will have at least one good thing to smile about during this holiday season.
I know that I do. :) Pin It Now!
The other day I was in the elevator at the hospital.
Another young couple was in there and then a Mom and her daughter.
The young couple had a bunch of bags, pillows, and blankets with them.
The Mom made the comment that they looked like they were planning on staying for awhile.
The couple responded by telling us that their child had been at the hospital for a year, they were discharged only to go home for about 5 minutes and have to come right back because he/she got sick.
And my heart broke for them.
It's not often that I want to hug complete strangers, but I wanted to hug them both.
Can you even imagine?
I can't. Like at all.
This family has since been in my prayers and I would love if you could have them in yours too.
Every time that I see a new baby brought in to the hospital on our floor, I feel the mom's pain.
When I think back to how sick to my stomach I was at BH's first ambulance ride, at leaving the hospital and going to a new one, leaving the nurses that we were familiar with, I am just overwhelmed.
I cried a lot that day and was scared out of my mind.
And each time I see a family that is just starting out on the journey that we have been on for 3 months, I want to just sit them down and tell them it's all going to be okay.
But the reality is, it might not be.
Not every story progresses as well as ours has. Not every tiny baby grows a double chin. And slowly
develops stronger lungs.
I am grateful that we have progressed with leaps and bounds, but I can't help but hurt for the others.
As you enjoy Christmas with your loved ones this year, please keep all the families in the hospital in your thoughts and prayers. I know I am strong enough to see past the fact that I will wake up at the hospital on Christmas morning, I know that it is not where you are but who you are with.
I know that there is a light at the end of our tunnel and we will hopefully be bringing BH home sooner than later, but not all familes there have that. Not all of them can see past the hospital walls and the monitors and the IVs and the sickness to see the good. But I pray that each of them will have at least one good thing to smile about during this holiday season.
I know that I do. :) Pin It Now!
Dec 19, 2013
God Gave Me You
I have a lot of time to think.
Sitting in the hospital with nothing to do but stare at a sweet baby.
And lately I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to be BH's mom.
Sure, I've never had a normal pregnancy.
And I hate that I'm not good at being pregnant.
I've never had a baby and gone home the next day.
I've never even had a baby that didn't go to the NICU.
I've never been more than 34 weeks pregnant.
But I've experienced something greater.
Yes, BH's birth and life so far have been exhausting.
The praying. The medical terms. The research.
THE DRIVING. The late nights. The early mornings.
The absence of an entire family under one roof.
The leaving half of my heart at the hospital part.....
But it has been AMAZING.
I have loved every single minute of it.
And I'm so grateful that God chose me to be his Mom.
To me, it means He thought I could handle it.
And I'm proud to say that I can.
A lot of our nurses are surprised by what I do while I'm in the hospital.
It's not unusual for them to come in the room, and I've already changed his
diaper or swaddled him into a different position.
I can turn off the monitors, and I could probably even work his machine
that puts the milk through his tube....but I don't go that far.
The point is, I'm there.
I'm there being his mom, just like I'm suppose to.
It may not be ideal, but I'm his mom no matter where he lays his head.
Of course at first, I was nervous. And I sat back and watched.
But I've learned a ton.
I even participate in rounds with the doctors when they come to us.
They have questions for the nurses and while they are looking up the
answers, I can usually tell them the answers.
I'm not patting myself on the back or anything.
I only have one baby to take care of, and they have tons.
So I know my baby and his facts.
And the lucky part for BH?
His dad is the same way.
We have our routine down pretty good now.
FH is there during the day. He normally knows any concerns I have and gets answers for me.
Then I'm there in the evening. Sometimes both of us and the girls. Sometimes FH takes the girls home to do homework.
FH calls to check on him right before he goes to bed at night. And leaves me a note so I see it at my 2 AM pumping session.
I call to check on him during my 5 AM pumping session. And leave him a note so he knows what's going on before he leaves to take the girls to school in the mornings.
And we don't just call to hear "He's doing good."....we call for numbers. We want facts. We need his
weight in kilograms and I do the conversion and write it down each day. We research concerns and decide on what questions we need to bring up with the doctors during the rounds.
We make a good team.
And I'm pretty sure that's why God chose us.
I found this poem today and it made me smile....
Since having BH, I'm obsessed with all things preemie.
I swear I want to build a clubhouse and let all preemie moms come hang out with me in it.
It's just a different world and I'm totally absorbed in that world right now. :)
How Preemie Moms Are Chosen by Erma Bombeck
Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
**This poem is accurate in the patience department...I don't have enough of it.
***This poem is not accurate where it says "I don't think she even believes in you."....I have more faith now than I have ever had, and I've always had a good amount. :)
And last but not leastin the longest blog post EVER, a reader told me about this song.
I have listened to it at least a million times. And it still makes me cry when I listen. Enjoy.
Happy Holidays to you and yours. May you all find something to be thankful for this Christmas. :)
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Sitting in the hospital with nothing to do but stare at a sweet baby.
And lately I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to be BH's mom.
Sure, I've never had a normal pregnancy.
And I hate that I'm not good at being pregnant.
I've never had a baby and gone home the next day.
I've never even had a baby that didn't go to the NICU.
I've never been more than 34 weeks pregnant.
But I've experienced something greater.
Yes, BH's birth and life so far have been exhausting.
The praying. The medical terms. The research.
THE DRIVING. The late nights. The early mornings.
The absence of an entire family under one roof.
The leaving half of my heart at the hospital part.....
But it has been AMAZING.
I have loved every single minute of it.
And I'm so grateful that God chose me to be his Mom.
To me, it means He thought I could handle it.
And I'm proud to say that I can.
A lot of our nurses are surprised by what I do while I'm in the hospital.
It's not unusual for them to come in the room, and I've already changed his
diaper or swaddled him into a different position.
I can turn off the monitors, and I could probably even work his machine
that puts the milk through his tube....but I don't go that far.
The point is, I'm there.
I'm there being his mom, just like I'm suppose to.
It may not be ideal, but I'm his mom no matter where he lays his head.
Of course at first, I was nervous. And I sat back and watched.
But I've learned a ton.
I even participate in rounds with the doctors when they come to us.
They have questions for the nurses and while they are looking up the
answers, I can usually tell them the answers.
I'm not patting myself on the back or anything.
I only have one baby to take care of, and they have tons.
So I know my baby and his facts.
And the lucky part for BH?
His dad is the same way.
We have our routine down pretty good now.
FH is there during the day. He normally knows any concerns I have and gets answers for me.
Then I'm there in the evening. Sometimes both of us and the girls. Sometimes FH takes the girls home to do homework.
FH calls to check on him right before he goes to bed at night. And leaves me a note so I see it at my 2 AM pumping session.
I call to check on him during my 5 AM pumping session. And leave him a note so he knows what's going on before he leaves to take the girls to school in the mornings.
And we don't just call to hear "He's doing good."....we call for numbers. We want facts. We need his
weight in kilograms and I do the conversion and write it down each day. We research concerns and decide on what questions we need to bring up with the doctors during the rounds.
We make a good team.
And I'm pretty sure that's why God chose us.
I found this poem today and it made me smile....
Since having BH, I'm obsessed with all things preemie.
I swear I want to build a clubhouse and let all preemie moms come hang out with me in it.
It's just a different world and I'm totally absorbed in that world right now. :)
How Preemie Moms Are Chosen by Erma Bombeck
Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
**This poem is accurate in the patience department...I don't have enough of it.
***This poem is not accurate where it says "I don't think she even believes in you."....I have more faith now than I have ever had, and I've always had a good amount. :)
And last but not least
I have listened to it at least a million times. And it still makes me cry when I listen. Enjoy.
Happy Holidays to you and yours. May you all find something to be thankful for this Christmas. :)
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Dec 12, 2013
Will He be Home for Christmas?
Okay let's be real honest here.....
I hate being asked "When will he be home?" or "Will he be home for Christmas?"
I can't help it, I just do.
Maybe it's because every single milestone that he reaches, I am grateful.
To me, it's not all about him getting home.
It's more than that.
It's will he have long term issues? Will his eyes develop correctly?
Will his brain develop exactly how it needs to? Will he need glasses?
Will he catch up with other babies his age? Will I ever stop googling and freaking myself out?
I have so much more to stress about than the simple question of when he will
be home. Don't get me wrong. I want him home, like yesterday.
But I want him to be strong. I want his breathing to be solid.
I want to know that he is ready to come home.
Every day we are one step closer to bringing him home.
For that, I am grateful.
Happy Thursday everybody!! :)
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I hate being asked "When will he be home?" or "Will he be home for Christmas?"
I can't help it, I just do.
Maybe it's because every single milestone that he reaches, I am grateful.
To me, it's not all about him getting home.
It's more than that.
It's will he have long term issues? Will his eyes develop correctly?
Will his brain develop exactly how it needs to? Will he need glasses?
Will he catch up with other babies his age? Will I ever stop googling and freaking myself out?
I have so much more to stress about than the simple question of when he will
be home. Don't get me wrong. I want him home, like yesterday.
But I want him to be strong. I want his breathing to be solid.
I want to know that he is ready to come home.
Every day we are one step closer to bringing him home.
For that, I am grateful.
Happy Thursday everybody!! :)
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Dec 4, 2013
We're Still Here.....
73 days.
1,741 hours.
104,460 minutes.
And counting.
That's how long Harper has been in the NICU.
There are so many things he hasn't experienced yet that most babies his age have.
He's never had a real bath. Only a soap and water washcloth bath.
...never had a full bottle.
...never laid in a crib, or sat in a bouncy seat or a swing.
...never seen his nursery or the mobile above his own crib.
....never hung out with his dad while watching football.
...never got to sit with his sisters while they play.
....never sat in the rocking chair with Mommy.
But he is very, very loved and all of this stuff will be waiting on him as soon as he gets home.
He got to wear his first outfit over the weekend.
But it's so frustrating because he has so many people who look after them, that what
they want him to do changes from day to day.
We were told over the weekend that we could dress him so that they could start turning the
temp down on his box so he could move to the new open bed soon.
So we dressed him. And he looked adorable. And I thought it was a new chapter.
And I ran out and bought more preemie clothes and washed them and brought them to the hospital.
And the next day when we got there, he was in nothing but a diaper.
And we were told by the doctor on call that day that he wouldn't move out of his box until he gained more weight.
Luckily he is cute whether he has clothes on or not.
He had his first bottle on November 30. Tiny, tiny bottle.
They start out super small with it so he can get adjusted to sucking, swallowing, and breathing all at once. It's a big task for such a tiny boy!
He continues to get 1 bottle each shift, so 2 bottles per day.
He seems to love them and would drink more if given the option, but he has to work on breathing while he's getting it, that's our main goal right now.
He was moved to low flow oxygen on Sunday.
Which was super exciting....but also super fast.
Sometimes they just try to move way too quickly in my opinion, but I'm no doctor!
He didn't handle it well and it didn't help that he had a horrible nurse that day.
(No offense, but a nurse can truly make or break your day. Luckily we usually have amazing ones!)
So he was moved back to high flow before the day was over.
I wasn't too disappointed because I still know he is on the right track.
His breathing has improved TONS!
He has a lot of trouble keeping the prongs in his nose because he is a big time wiggler.
It seems as if everytime he moves, they come out.
But he handles them being out well......which is an amazing sign!
I've read about so many preemies who had their prongs out accidentally but handled it so well
that the doctor just left them out. I'm hoping that happens for us.
1,741 hours.
104,460 minutes.
And counting.
That's how long Harper has been in the NICU.
There are so many things he hasn't experienced yet that most babies his age have.
He's never had a real bath. Only a soap and water washcloth bath.
...never had a full bottle.
...never laid in a crib, or sat in a bouncy seat or a swing.
...never seen his nursery or the mobile above his own crib.
....never hung out with his dad while watching football.
...never got to sit with his sisters while they play.
....never sat in the rocking chair with Mommy.
But he is very, very loved and all of this stuff will be waiting on him as soon as he gets home.
He got to wear his first outfit over the weekend.
But it's so frustrating because he has so many people who look after them, that what
they want him to do changes from day to day.
We were told over the weekend that we could dress him so that they could start turning the
temp down on his box so he could move to the new open bed soon.
So we dressed him. And he looked adorable. And I thought it was a new chapter.
And I ran out and bought more preemie clothes and washed them and brought them to the hospital.
And the next day when we got there, he was in nothing but a diaper.
And we were told by the doctor on call that day that he wouldn't move out of his box until he gained more weight.
Luckily he is cute whether he has clothes on or not.
He had his first bottle on November 30. Tiny, tiny bottle.
They start out super small with it so he can get adjusted to sucking, swallowing, and breathing all at once. It's a big task for such a tiny boy!
Told ya it was tiny!!
He loved it! I knew he would because the boy loves to eat.
We took it super slow, as in he would get 3 gulps and then I'd let him breathe, then repeat.
I was so very proud of him!!
He continues to get 1 bottle each shift, so 2 bottles per day.
He seems to love them and would drink more if given the option, but he has to work on breathing while he's getting it, that's our main goal right now.
He was moved to low flow oxygen on Sunday.
Which was super exciting....but also super fast.
Sometimes they just try to move way too quickly in my opinion, but I'm no doctor!
He didn't handle it well and it didn't help that he had a horrible nurse that day.
(No offense, but a nurse can truly make or break your day. Luckily we usually have amazing ones!)
So he was moved back to high flow before the day was over.
I wasn't too disappointed because I still know he is on the right track.
His breathing has improved TONS!
He has a lot of trouble keeping the prongs in his nose because he is a big time wiggler.
It seems as if everytime he moves, they come out.
But he handles them being out well......which is an amazing sign!
I've read about so many preemies who had their prongs out accidentally but handled it so well
that the doctor just left them out. I'm hoping that happens for us.
This is him on the low flow. Even though he isn't on this anymore, I'm excited about how tiny
the breathing tube is. This is the oxygen that he could quite possibly go home on. And knowing that you can still see most of his face and the tube is so tiny, makes me feel a lot more ok with it!
Doesn't he look handsome?!
And fat?!
He's finally starting to fill out and look like a newborn. :)
Harper has a long way to go, but he is making amazing progress.
We are still praying for Christmas, but I'm beginning to think it might be easier if he came home like the day after Christmas. Because once he's home, I plan on going NOWHERE!
Kate wrote a note to Santa last night and asked for nothing but for her baby brother to be home for Christmas. I love the way they love him.
We are blessed in many, many ways. And I'm praying that BH continues to grow strong and get ready to come home to his family. We are ready, car seat and all!!
#HurryhomeHarper
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