Momma said there'd Be days Like This

There are two concepts in life that my Mom has repeated to me over and over again.

It could always be worse. Mainly reminding me that no matter how tough something seems, there is always someone out there that has it tougher. It's not as bad as it seems when you put things in perspective like this.

and

If it were easy, anybody could do it. This pertaining to any challenge in life that I faced. For instance, when I had 3 month old twins and a less than stellar marriage, she repeated this to me every day when I wanted to give up on getting my college degree.

The point is, I have been raised to be tough. To know that life is not always on an easy path. Not that I'm trying to say I've had it hard....I know that I haven't at all. I have just been taught to make the best of any situation that I'm in.

If it were only me being affected by Harper in the NICU, I think I could handle it.
If I didn't have to worry about how it affected my husband and  my children, I'd be better off.
But knowing that it is breaking their hearts in addition to breaking mine, is just awful.

K saw a new mom with her baby in the store the other day and we both just kind of stared at her.
She looked up at me with those little puppy dog blue eyes and said "Momma, I don't like seeing babies cause it makes me really sad that we don't have ours with us."

I couldn't agree more.

It feels like everywhere we go, there are babies.
Except with us.
Our nursery feels huge and empty.
The diaper stash that we have built up seems like a taunting clown every time I walk by it.

I have never wanted to change a dirty diaper so badly in all my life.

It just hurts.

And I know I have no right to be so upset.
Harper has been in the NICU for one week.
One week is nothing.

I know parents who try years to conceive only for it to never happen.
Or adoptive parents who are waiting months on top of months to get their baby home.

I know in comparison to lots of sick children and lots of different circumstances, we have tons
to be grateful for......but that doesn't make it hurt less.

Yesterday was a really tough day for Harper.
But I think the worst part of it was that we were completely caught off guard.

We normally call to check on him every single morning and every single night in addition to visiting  him twice a day. We live about 45 minutes away from the hospital so being up there 24/7 is just not an option. But we check on him often and we make sure that in addition to us visiting him, someone else like our parents visit him while we aren't there.

Saturday night we decided to stay home instead of going back up to the hospital.
We were exhausted and just had to have some time to catch up on stuff around the house and just have 5 minutes to sit and rest. We basically needed to recharge.

Sunday morning, we were up early running around getting ready for church.
And packing stuff to head directly to the hospital after church.
So we didn't get a chance to call and check on him.

When we got there on Sunday, we were blown away with bad news.
We knew there would be good days and there would be bad ones in the NICU, we had been warned about this....but at the same time, I guess we were hopeful because we hadn't had a bad day yet.

All babies are born with a hole in their heart.
It's called a PDA.
{Please note, I'm not a doctor. If you want real details, you should google. This is just what I've learned so far.}
When normal term babies are born, they take their first breath and this hole closes up on it's own.
With preemies, this doesn't always happen.
We were told on day one that Harper's closed up on it's own so no worries.
I didn't think another thing about it and I certainly didn't know that it could open back up again.
But it did.

As soon as I heard the words "heart" and "surgery", I lost it.
I cried more in that NICU that I have since my Granddad died 11 years ago.
I just couldn't handle it.
I know I scared the girls, and that's the worst part of it.
But I just couldn't stop crying because I was so so scared for him.
Bless K. She just sat beside me as I stared at Harper and cried, and she rubbed my back.
I have always rubbed their backs when they are sad or upset and so she was doing to me what she knew would comfort her.
That was one of the sweetest moments I have ever experienced in my life.

After getting home from the hospital and evaluating the situation, we feel much better about it.
Talking to friends who are nurses, researching, and just taking a step back and gaining some perspective made us get a grip on the situation.

This is completely common with preemies.
So common that without me even saying what the problem was on social media, tons of people guessed correctly and had gone through the exact thing with their babies.
Most of the time, the medicine closes the hole in the heart back up, making surgery not necessary.
When surgery is necessary, it's a super simple procedure that doctors perform very often.

I can handle all of this.
And I know Harper can too.

But for now, we have learned our lesson.
Call and check on him no matter what so we won't be caught off guard when we get to the NICU.
And remember that one second with a preemie can be great and the next second can be awful.
It's a roller coaster.

Oh and just because my posts have been so serious and have made so many of you cry (including myself) lately, I'll add in a few things just to make you laugh...well and for me to remember.

I still look pregnant.
Which, in the big scheme of things, I could care less about right now.
The number on the scale and the size of my fat gut are the least of my problems....
but I realized yesterday that most brand new moms don't even leave their house for several weeks after childbirth.
And if they do, they have a baby with them so it's obvious that they still just have a belly.
I don't have that.
I look like a normal pregnant lady....but let me just tell you that if a random stranger comes up and rubs my stomach, we are going to have problems.

I told FH I was going to get a baby doll and wear it in a sling and just pretend.
Then it won't matter that I'm still in maternity clothes....well, until someone tries to take a look at said baby and realizes it's a doll.....

Also, last night we went out to eat.
We waited FOREVER for our food.
I mean, forever.
The service was disastrous.
Our food was cold and it was the wrong food.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm a ticking time bomb these days, or maybe it was just a predictable end to a really bad day...but I had enough.

Poor FH just sat back and watched me ask for a manager.
I should note that I have NEVER in my life asked for a manager.
I try my best not to ever complain...but I was MAD.
I went off on that poor manager about how horrible everything was and it wasn't acceptable.
FH was secretly praying that I didn't say "and our baby is in the NICU and he had a bad day and you can't even get our dinner right!"
But I didn't, I kept it classy.
Or as classy as a momma on the end of a rope can keep it.

And now I'm pretty sure FH will never let me live down "that time when I asked for a manager"

Bottom line, don't mess with a momma bear who has a lot on her mind.
You will regret it.

Happy Monday everybody. Here's to a great week ahead of us. :)

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