Momma said there'd Be days Like This

There are two concepts in life that my Mom has repeated to me over and over again.

It could always be worse. Mainly reminding me that no matter how tough something seems, there is always someone out there that has it tougher. It's not as bad as it seems when you put things in perspective like this.

and

If it were easy, anybody could do it. This pertaining to any challenge in life that I faced. For instance, when I had 3 month old twins and a less than stellar marriage, she repeated this to me every day when I wanted to give up on getting my college degree.

The point is, I have been raised to be tough. To know that life is not always on an easy path. Not that I'm trying to say I've had it hard....I know that I haven't at all. I have just been taught to make the best of any situation that I'm in.

If it were only me being affected by Harper in the NICU, I think I could handle it.
If I didn't have to worry about how it affected my husband and  my children, I'd be better off.
But knowing that it is breaking their hearts in addition to breaking mine, is just awful.

K saw a new mom with her baby in the store the other day and we both just kind of stared at her.
She looked up at me with those little puppy dog blue eyes and said "Momma, I don't like seeing babies cause it makes me really sad that we don't have ours with us."

I couldn't agree more.

It feels like everywhere we go, there are babies.
Except with us.
Our nursery feels huge and empty.
The diaper stash that we have built up seems like a taunting clown every time I walk by it.

I have never wanted to change a dirty diaper so badly in all my life.

It just hurts.

And I know I have no right to be so upset.
Harper has been in the NICU for one week.
One week is nothing.

I know parents who try years to conceive only for it to never happen.
Or adoptive parents who are waiting months on top of months to get their baby home.

I know in comparison to lots of sick children and lots of different circumstances, we have tons
to be grateful for......but that doesn't make it hurt less.

Yesterday was a really tough day for Harper.
But I think the worst part of it was that we were completely caught off guard.

We normally call to check on him every single morning and every single night in addition to visiting  him twice a day. We live about 45 minutes away from the hospital so being up there 24/7 is just not an option. But we check on him often and we make sure that in addition to us visiting him, someone else like our parents visit him while we aren't there.

Saturday night we decided to stay home instead of going back up to the hospital.
We were exhausted and just had to have some time to catch up on stuff around the house and just have 5 minutes to sit and rest. We basically needed to recharge.

Sunday morning, we were up early running around getting ready for church.
And packing stuff to head directly to the hospital after church.
So we didn't get a chance to call and check on him.

When we got there on Sunday, we were blown away with bad news.
We knew there would be good days and there would be bad ones in the NICU, we had been warned about this....but at the same time, I guess we were hopeful because we hadn't had a bad day yet.

All babies are born with a hole in their heart.
It's called a PDA.
{Please note, I'm not a doctor. If you want real details, you should google. This is just what I've learned so far.}
When normal term babies are born, they take their first breath and this hole closes up on it's own.
With preemies, this doesn't always happen.
We were told on day one that Harper's closed up on it's own so no worries.
I didn't think another thing about it and I certainly didn't know that it could open back up again.
But it did.

As soon as I heard the words "heart" and "surgery", I lost it.
I cried more in that NICU that I have since my Granddad died 11 years ago.
I just couldn't handle it.
I know I scared the girls, and that's the worst part of it.
But I just couldn't stop crying because I was so so scared for him.
Bless K. She just sat beside me as I stared at Harper and cried, and she rubbed my back.
I have always rubbed their backs when they are sad or upset and so she was doing to me what she knew would comfort her.
That was one of the sweetest moments I have ever experienced in my life.

After getting home from the hospital and evaluating the situation, we feel much better about it.
Talking to friends who are nurses, researching, and just taking a step back and gaining some perspective made us get a grip on the situation.

This is completely common with preemies.
So common that without me even saying what the problem was on social media, tons of people guessed correctly and had gone through the exact thing with their babies.
Most of the time, the medicine closes the hole in the heart back up, making surgery not necessary.
When surgery is necessary, it's a super simple procedure that doctors perform very often.

I can handle all of this.
And I know Harper can too.

But for now, we have learned our lesson.
Call and check on him no matter what so we won't be caught off guard when we get to the NICU.
And remember that one second with a preemie can be great and the next second can be awful.
It's a roller coaster.

Oh and just because my posts have been so serious and have made so many of you cry (including myself) lately, I'll add in a few things just to make you laugh...well and for me to remember.

I still look pregnant.
Which, in the big scheme of things, I could care less about right now.
The number on the scale and the size of my fat gut are the least of my problems....
but I realized yesterday that most brand new moms don't even leave their house for several weeks after childbirth.
And if they do, they have a baby with them so it's obvious that they still just have a belly.
I don't have that.
I look like a normal pregnant lady....but let me just tell you that if a random stranger comes up and rubs my stomach, we are going to have problems.

I told FH I was going to get a baby doll and wear it in a sling and just pretend.
Then it won't matter that I'm still in maternity clothes....well, until someone tries to take a look at said baby and realizes it's a doll.....

Also, last night we went out to eat.
We waited FOREVER for our food.
I mean, forever.
The service was disastrous.
Our food was cold and it was the wrong food.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm a ticking time bomb these days, or maybe it was just a predictable end to a really bad day...but I had enough.

Poor FH just sat back and watched me ask for a manager.
I should note that I have NEVER in my life asked for a manager.
I try my best not to ever complain...but I was MAD.
I went off on that poor manager about how horrible everything was and it wasn't acceptable.
FH was secretly praying that I didn't say "and our baby is in the NICU and he had a bad day and you can't even get our dinner right!"
But I didn't, I kept it classy.
Or as classy as a momma on the end of a rope can keep it.

And now I'm pretty sure FH will never let me live down "that time when I asked for a manager"

Bottom line, don't mess with a momma bear who has a lot on her mind.
You will regret it.

Happy Monday everybody. Here's to a great week ahead of us. :)

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Snoring on the Operating Table

If you missed any of this story, you can check out part one here and part two here.

Freaking out is an understatement.
Suddenly everyone in the room was running around frantically.

I remember just trying to find FH's face so that I could see if he was okay.
He was holding it together...barely.
And when he told me that he loved me, I just about lost it.
I was so SO scared.
As far as I knew, lungs don't develop until 34 weeks.
I knew this because K&A were preemies and they were on steroids to develop their lungs.
So how could this baby, the one I had prayed so SO hard for, how could he make it so early?

The prep for a C-section is scary under any circumstances, I'm sure.
But this all happened so quickly that I didn't even know where to look.
I do remember telling the nurse that I felt like such a baby.
I usually pride myself on being a tough cookie, but I was a hot mess.
It's one thing to be scared for yourself, another thing to be scared for your unborn child and
worried about your husband.

The room was freezing.
And FH couldn't be in there.
I can't say the epidural was horrible.
I can't say any one part was horrible, just the entire experience.

It didn't take long before he was out.
And I heard him cry.
Was that even possible?!
I didn't think so.
He sounded like a tiny little puppy dog right when it's born, just a tiny whimper.
And they whisked him away upstairs to the NICU.

Then it took forever for them to stitch me back up.
So long that I was shivering...and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep on the operating table.
And by "pretty sure", I mean I was snoring.....
What can I say? It was a long day!!

It was about 3 hours before we got a status on him.
And all I wanted was some ice and my baby.

6 days later and Harper is a champ.
He is breathing with the help of an oscillator, but is slowly coming off of it.
He doesn't get milk yet, he just gets continuously fed through a tube in his belly button.
We are hoping he will start getting milk tomorrow and then will gain some weight.

He was 1 lb, 9 ounces and 12 inches long.
Born Sept 22, 2013.....with a due date of December 29.

It's obvious he couldn't wait to get into this world and we are okay with that.
I guess we know he listens well.....on last Saturday night I said "I wish Baby Harper would just hurry up and get here!"

And just like that, he listened.

Be careful what you wish for.

I can't wait to watch Harper grow strong and beat the odds stacked against him.
He's already in so many hearts and prayers.
Now, I just can't wait til he is home in his crib. :)
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Just a Tiny Touch

We all take things for granted.
As humans, as parents, even as children.
We know we can count on the sun to shine, the leaves to change, the weather to be unpredictable.
My kids have a roof over their head and our fridge has plenty of food in it. (Or at least it normally does anyways.....)
There are also plenty of things that we don't miss until they are not there.
A baby crying in the middle of the night.
Most new moms cringe when they hear their baby cry because it means they have to get up out of bed and miss more sleep.
I would LOVE for my baby to be at home crying in the middle of the night. It would be better to wake up every 4 hours to a baby instead of waking up to rock my breast pump.
Seeing a baby.
I know several adoptive Moms that would kill to see their baby just one time on their wait.
They cling to updated pictures as their only lifeline to a child that is living halfway around the world.
This makes me grateful that I can just go sit and stare at Baby Harper.
I guess we all have our challenges in motherhood.
One thing that I can say for sure about giving birth is that it's just like Big Brother, "expect the unexpected"
I'll get back to telling the birth story soon, promise.
I didn't get to see Baby Harper for 24 hours after he was born because I had to stay in bed with my IV. It was frustrating having everyone come tell me all about him. A child that I brought into this world but hadn't so much as laid my eyes on yet.
But when I finally got to see him, the anticipation was totally worth it.
My son was so handsome. Tiny but handsome. Little but fierce. Small but feisty.
We are so lucky to have tons of family and friends that wanted to love on the baby immediately.
But FH and I made one rule: no touching!
His skin is very sensitive so we didn't want a lot of people touching him.
Not to mention, we had to share a lot of firsts with other people so Mom and Dad needed something that they didn't have to share.
The nurses changed his first diaper, they'll get to feed him and it will still be awhile before we can rock him and love on him.
But yesterday, around 130 hours after he entered this world (there's an app for that....), his Dad and I got to touch him.
His hands are too tiny to hold.
And we can't pick him up and hug him.
But just putting my finger in his hand and then placing two fingers on his head was the most amazing feeling.
I touched my son.
And cried like a little baby.
There will be many more times when I hold his hand, give him a high five after a ballgame, or spank his little booty for talking back....but there will never, EVER be a moment as precious as that.
One touch made me weak in the knees. And so, SO grateful to be called his Mom.






















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That Baby is Coming out, like Right Now

In case you missed part one of this story, you can read it here.

So, what did you just say?
I would be in the hospital until the baby was due....you realize that the baby isn't due
until Christmas right?
And it's September currently, correct?

A million thoughts went through my head.
Mainly, that I was going to get fired because no way could I miss work that long.
Oh and that if I were in the hospital that long BEFORE the baby got here, what would I do
once he got here? Miss more work? Or not have to worry about it at all since I would be unemployed??

I kept telling myself that no matter what happened, it will all work itself out.
I get this attitude from my mom, and I appreciate it.
No matter what, it could always be worse. It will be okay.
What's that they say? It will all come out in the wash.

So, once we got into a room, they had to put an IV in.
Easy, right?
WRONG.
My hands were so swollen that you couldn't get to a vein.
In fact, you know how you can blow up a platstic glove and make a balloon?
That's what my hands were like.
I lost count after I was poked about 12 times.
Each nurse that tried would get the needle in, but it wouldn't thread...whatever that means.
To me it just meant that they were able to stab me with the needle, only to have to take it out and
try all over again.
I could tell it was extrememly frustrating to each of them.
And I was able to appreciate the fact that throughout all of their stabbing, they felt horrible about it.
Of course, this doesn't make it hurt any less.
But I could tell that I was being taken care of really, really well. So that was something.

Finally, after calling in the anesthesia guy (I think that's who it was) and him failing, and then calling
in his boss, we had an IV.
At the same time, we had an ultrasound going.
Another lady was waiting to give me a steroid shot for Baby Harper's lungs to develop....and she realized she had no fighting chance of getting me free enough to shoot me in the hip, so she just stabbed me in the thigh.
She said "Normally, we don't do it like this but given the circumstances..." And she stabbed me.
Also, another girl decided to go ahead and do my catheter. Why not? There wasn't much going on...

I had like 10 people around me, doing things to me, scaring me.
I just remember crying.
I was so scared for the baby...and I had no idea what was going to happen at this point.
NO IDEA.

As they were doing the ultrasound, I felt an excruciating pain in my stomach.
I knew it wasn't normal. At all.
It felt like there was a hole in my stomach. And the hole was numb.
I know that is a confusing description, but that's the best I got.
And I FREAKED OUT.
And so did everyone else in the room.

That's when the doctor said, "Lora, this is too dangerous. For you and the baby. We are going to have this baby right now."

This baby?? You mean the one who is supposedly the size of a cucumber and hasn't even reached the 3rd trimester?? Are you completely sure?

To be continued.....

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Just a Little Headache

Thursday night was a normal night.
I was swollen, like I've been for awhile.
And in case you were wondering, my doctor knew I was swollen.
But with perfect blood pressure, there was nothing to worry about.
We were monitoring it.
As long as my bp stayed down, the swelling was normal.
Not comfortable, but normal.

I was up a lot with a headache.
Tossing and turning, but let's be honest, I've been doing that most of this pregnancy, so no big deal.

Friday was a big day at work.
Like one of my biggest of the year.
And I can't tell you that I love my job, but I can tell you that I take pride in what I do.
In other words, on an important day like that, pretty much nothing could make me call in and
let everyone at work down.

I knew I felt awful Friday morning and once I got out of the shower, I realized that I just
couldn't go to work.
My head hurt so badly that I could barely open my eyes.
I've never had migraines before, but it was obvious that I had one.
So I called in....and slept the ENTIRE day.
And still felt awful.

And then I repeated that on Saturday.
We went to the girls' volleyball games on Saturday because there aren't that many of them so
I would hate to let Kate down by not showing up.
Do you realize how often they blow a whistle at a volleyball game??
I'm here to tell you that it's A LOT.
Like a lot, A LOT.

Sunday was worse.
I didn't sleep. Time was seriously ticking by and I had no idea what to do.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't see straight. It was just pretty miserable.
But to me, I just knew I had to tough it out.
Being pregnant is not easy, especially for me.
For some reason, I just don't do pregnant well, so I figured this was just another day.

FH kept checking on me all throughout the day on Sunday, since I was in bed.
Finally around Sunday afternoon he came in from cutting the grass and I guess he just
realized that I was going downhill.
He wanted me to call the doctor.
My face was so swollen at this point, that my eyes were almost swollen shut.
My neck had rolls, like swollen rolls. It was quite disgusting.
Basically it was not your average swelling.
Hands and feet, even my legs have been constantly swollen.
But my face looking like I had gotten attacked by a swarm of bees was a new look....one that was not
working for me.

The doctor told me to come in and get my blood pressure tested.
And she said that if it was fine then they would just send me home with some migraine medicine,
no big deal.
So of course I thought, no big deal.
We left the house with just that thought, we would be right back.......

My mom met us at the hospital and as soon as she saw my face she was in shock.
She had seen me the day before too so she had something to compare it to.
It was bad.

The nurse took my bp and thought her machine was messed up.
I'm not sure what it read. I was alone and freaking out.
Then FH came into the room and it read 215/110....or something along those lines.
Out of control.
She immediately told me they were admitting me.
And we were in shock.
We just wanted my headache to go away, not an overnight stay in the hospital.

And then my doctor told me that I would be at the hospital at least until the baby was born.......

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Just a Quickie

You should know that I hate blogging from my phone. Or from the iPad for that matter. Maybe I feel like I need more control over the spacing, or maybe I'm just old school and want to pound it out on a real keyboard. Either way, I need my computer.

But lately, at 2 AM while normal people are sleeping, my mind is going 900 miles an hour. I feel the need to respond to every single sweet comment I get from everyone, because every single comment no matter how tiny has touched me.

I'm overwhelmed by support and love. I've wondered how I can repay each and everyone. Especially people who have never met me yet donated money. Hard earned money just to help me out. I've felt so guilty that I want to show up at everyone's door step, with a big fat check in my hand to repay you times 10.

I can only tell you that I'm eternally grateful. I find tears every time I stumble upon a blog that mentions my baby. I mean, he may not be 2 lbs yet but little stud has been loved on by some big names. :)

I plan on blogging out his entire birth story, obviously. To share with all of you and to help me remember. But that post is way too important to type laying in this hospital bed.

We know we have a long road ahead of us so we are just taking it one day at a time, one hour, one minute. Our focus right now is getting HK past his 72 hour critical stage, and getting me stable enough to check out of the hospital. Us being here is kind of a double edged sword....we live 45 minutes from the hospital so of course it will kill us to go home without him. We'll still be here most of the time just hanging out, praying, and watching our little miracle grow. But at the same time, I'm anxious to be well enough to go home. I long for no more needles, real clothes other than this trendy gown I'm sporting, and just being home.
We thought we could go home on Wednesday, but today my blood pressure sky rocketed back up. {Poor FH, glad we don't have to take his bp because I'm sure it's thru the roof stressing over his family!} because of the once again high bp, we are at least here until Thursday.

Hoping, and praying, and believing. Cause really that's all you can do.

Hug your kids tight tonight and say a little prayer for our little champ. :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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Tummy Tuesday #15

I'm 25 weeks.
I'm huge and swollen.
It's really hard to breathe.
I think I might be getting sick.
And I'm swamped at work,
so that's all I have time for.
Grateful that this pregnancy is flying by! :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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Tummy Tuesday #14

Tummy Tuesday....on a Wednesday.
It happens. Actually, kinda often for me.

How far along? 23 weeks

Holy fat face, Batman. I'd blame my chunky-ness in this pic on the horizontal stripes...
but something tells me that won't work for my 14 chins.

Sleep? Decent, I guess. Apparently being 900 lbs makes me snore.
Or so FH claims...but I'm not sure if I believe him.

Best moment this week? Swimming. For sure. I felt so light. I would
live in water for the next 3 months if I could.

Miss anything? Mainly just my thinner face. Or maybe that's only
because I just looked at that pic above....

Movement? Yes, lots. And FH finally felt him kick. The girls haven't
yet but they don't sit still long enough for that to happen.

Size of the baby? Ear of corn. 8.5 inches, 1.5 lbs....or at least that's what
my app says...and it may or may not be a week ahead. I can't tell. The app
updated and now it's confusing.....

Food cravings? Nothing random really...unless someone mentions something,
then I automatically need it immediately. Oh, I did crave some chocolate pie
all this past week. FH made that one happen for me already though. :)

Gender? Boy

Bed rest? Nope.

Limitations? Wearing shoes. Walking for exercise. Honestly, my feet have
been so swollen that I've been afraid to walk too much. I'm hoping this gets
better as it cools off outside. It's already lots better than it was over the weekend.

Pregnancy symptoms? Just the cankles. And my feet are so weird, they are swollen
and super sore on top of my foot...which makes no sense to me. But I'm getting daily
foot rubs so I'm managing.

Looking forward to? Shopping some more for the nursery so we can
get it finished. And registering at one last place.

Happy Hump Day Friends!!!

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Mini Family Vaca

Just so you know, I thought today was Monday, not Tuesday.
So Tummy Tuesday will be one day late....surprise, surprise.
But can I get a heck yeah for it actually being Tuesday?!
I love me a good short week.

So, over the holiday weekend, we took a mini family vaca.
Can this be considered our Babymoon?
I guess not since children came along....guess we still need to fit that
in before Christmas. :)

We went to Nashville Shores in Nashville, TN.
Not far from our house, but we haven't ever been to this water park
so it was an exciting trip for us.

Of course I couldn't get off work on Friday so we had to wait
for me to get off work to leave....that wasn't cool!
But the last day of the month is my busiest day so there was no
avoiding it.

The girls were ready to go as soon as I walked in the door!
And we were off!

Nothing like a 3 hour car ride for a pregnant lady....ughh.

It wasn't horrible, but it's definitaly hard to be comfortable in the car.
Oh and after sitting at my desk all day and then sitting during the car ride,
my feet were HUGE.

First thing first, FH dropped us off at the door of the mall.
I had my shoes off the entire time in the car so imagine my surprise
when I went to slip on my flip flops and my feet would only fit
halfway into them!
Oh. My. Word.
I was so embarassed.
Not to mention I could barely walk on those ticking time bombs.
But seriously, I had to tough it out for the mall. Obviously.

We decided to take the girls to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.
I have never been there but we heard that the girls would love it.
And they did.
Kate insisted that I take her picture with every single animal in the
place. There were "thunderstorms" while we were eating and most of
the animals made noises and moved.
It was a fun atmosphere......but definitely overpriced in my opinion!

A lot of the pictures are really dark since we were "in a rainforest".
And my official vacation camera is my iphone.

After that, we walked around the mall a TINY bit and I drooled a little.
Outlets everywhere...but I was still only halfway in my shoes so we
had to head to the hotel.

The hotel.
Now, I should tell you this. I am SO cheap when it comes to hotels.
I don't mean I want a skanky motel or anything, but I hate spending
a lot on a hotel room.
So if there is any option to make a room cheaper, I go for it.
Well, next time I have the option of 2 double size beds or 2 queen size beds,
remind me that I should pay the extra like $5 or whatever the difference was.

Pregnant women are too fat to share a double bed.
I walked right in the room and Alex said "Whoa, these beds are tiny!"
And she was right.
It was like a fat girl twin bed.
And I love FH and all, and I love to snuggle up next to him, but I have
a hard enough time rolling over in bed these days so I couldnt' imagine
sharing that bed with him.
There was a horrible fold out bed which was our only option.
We tried to upgrade our room but the hotel was full.
And we tried to get an extra cot but it was being used.

Needless to say, I really didn't sleep for 2 days.

I still can't believe I didn't take any pics of the beds....blogger fail.

Saturday morning we were up early and ready for the water park.
I wanted us to be there the ENTIRE day since it isn't cheap to get in.

Honestly, FH and I were both worried about how I would do in the heat
all day.....but as soon as we got there, we found me a chair and I planted
myself in it.
I was bored, I'm not going to lie.
But I was people watching, reading my book, and napping.
So that was relaxing.
I wanted to get in the wave pool but I could just see myself drowning
in those huge waves. Plus I was too paranoid to leave our stuff.

FH took pics of the girls sliding for me though!

We realized way later on that there was another pool without waves.
And there were chairs right beside the pool that I could watch our stuff from.
So I moved there.
Can I just tell you that being in that pool was the most amazing feeling EVER?!
I was so light in the pool. And there was no pressure on my back.
It was GLORIOUS!!!
I only regret that I waited so late in the day to experience it.

We ended up staying for about 6 hours...which was enough.
I wasn't miserable, so that was perfect.
And FH and the girls had a blast!
We will definitely be making this a yearly trip from now on.

Saturday night, it was back to the mall.
FH parked himself in front of a football game and the girls and I
went our seperate ways.
The girls were SO EXCITED that we let them explore on their own.
They just had to check in with FH every 30 minutes or so.
I can say that they were VERy responsible and made sure they were on
time or early each time they had to check in....but the mall was so big
that they said as soon as they got to a store they wanted to shop in, they
had to turn around and come back to check in!

I was in the zone shopping!
There were a few places with maternity clothes so I was excited.
But after about 2 hours, I had a moment of panic.
My feet hurt so badly and were so swollen, not to mention I was
so hot from trying on clothes that I honestly wasnt sure if I could
make it back to FH!

Sunday morning, we were lazy....the girls went swimming and we
layed around until, guess what? until the mall opened!
It's not my fault that this fat footed lady couldn't walk the whole mall
in one day.

Thank goodness the girls brought their laptops with them.
These really helped keep them entertained during our downtime.

After the mall, it was time to head home.

We had a fun time but we were all tired and ready to get back home.
It was amazing to have another day off after getting back home just to unpack
and get everything back in order. Not to mention, relax!

I won't even tell y'all about how I made FH stop in Jackson, TN on the
way home so I could shop a little and how I spent yesterday shopping here.
I might have a problem....but needing more maternity clothes isn't that problem!!!

I'm so grateful for trips with my little family.
I can't wait until next year when Baby Harper is along for the ride.

Happy Tuesday everybody!! Pin It Now!