When the Going Gets Tough....

I'm not going to lie.
Some days are worse than others.
Some days, I just want to cry because I miss my baby.
I want to laugh at "important" stuff at work because nothing
feels as important as being at the hospital with him.
I want to quit my job and be a professional sitter at the NICU.

I just miss him.

I miss his smell.
And the beeps on his monitor.
I miss holding him.
And kissing him.
And telling him that I love him.

I miss him while we are at home and it just feels like something is missing.
I miss him while I'm at work and wonder what he is doing.
(As if he could be doing much more than sleeping....)

I'm often fine and know that with time everything will be okay.
That he will come home when he's ready.
That it hasn't even been "that long" yet.
That I should be strong and stop having pity parties for myself.
But it's hard.
And I'm tired.
And I just want my baby home.

It's tough to see other people with their babies.
All healthy and doing just fine.
And coming home the day after delivery.

Don't get me wrong.
I LOVE seeing healthy babies.
And I wouldn't wish time in the NICU on anybody.
But sometimes it's tough.
And at the same time I know that it could always be worse.

A lot of people want to know how much BH will have to weigh
before he can come home......and that just reminds me of how
little people know about his situation.
It's not their fault, you just think the baby is tiny so he needs to grow
so he can come home.

He was born too early to have developed his lungs.
So he needs lots of oxygen.
Gaining weight is only one of his many obstacles.
You know all the growing that babies do in the womb from weeks
26-40?
Harper has to do all that growing, inside and out, and at the same time
he has to breathe on his own. Not all safe inside my belly.

The more oxygen he gets, the greater the chances are of long term issues.
I'm no doctor, I only know what we've read and have been told.

He's doing well right now.
He eats like a champ through his feeding tube.
They increase the amount he gets each day, but it's still only a tiny
amount. As of right now, he gets a little over 3 ounces per day.
That seems like nothing, but to him it's a lot.
He also gets extra calories added into his milk so he can gain weight.

He has a breathing machine of course.
He's doing well on it, but the longer he is on it, the more dangerous.

He has fluid on his lungs. And scars that he will have to grow out of.
He gets poked every morning to test his blood.
He has wires all over him and monitors that go off often.

I'm pretty sure that by the time we finally get out of the NICU, FH and I
will be fluent in doctor language.

And I can't tell you when we will get out of the NICU.
There are babies his size that stayed 3 or 4 months and babies his
size who have stayed as much as a year.

At first, I dreamed of having him home for Christmas.
But now I don't want to dissappoint K&A (or myself) so I'm
telling myself that it will be January.
And praying every night that it will be sooner.

I can't wait until I have a day when I can pick him up when I want to.
And I don't spend the whole time staring at monitors while doing so.
And I have to leave him at the hospital when his little eyes are looking up
at me saying "take me with you Momma".

Until then, I will appreciate the amazing nurses who are keeping him safe.
The doctors who are helping him grow.
The endless supply of milk that I have been blessed with.
And a husband to lean on.

And tell myself that one day I will look back on this and it will
be nothing but a memory.

Sorry if this seemed like a super sad post.
I swear I'm still positive!
I'm just having a moment.....
And one day I will get back to blogging about unicorns and rainbows.

Happy Monday everybody. :)
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