My Empty Lap

I know most people wonder...but are too afraid to ask.

Will we have another baby?

I understand why people are scared to ask me this.
I wouldn't want to ask me either.

My best answer is "I sure do hope so."

We had trouble getting pregnant with Harper.
So I'm not sure if we will have trouble again, or if it will happen.

I also have a tendency to have twins...which we avoided with
Harper, but can we avoid that twice? Who knows.

Would I mind if I had twins? Heck no.
My bank account would mind, twins are expensive.

But ever since Harper died, I want to be surrounded by babies.
Lots of them.

I want to be a mother to kids that don't have one.
I want to cuddle babies that aren't cuddled.
I want to pray for babies in the NICU that have no one on their team.
And I want to birth 10 of them.

The bad thing is, I'm not that good at being pregnant.
I'm stubborn. But I can fix that. If I am lucky enough to get
pregnant again, I will listen when FH tells me to put my feet up.
I will sit and be fat and just grow that baby.

Because I know what it feels like when something goes wrong.

I get high blood pressure.
Like stupid, scary high blood pressure.
And I swell, like before I finish peeing on the pregnancy test stick.

I birth premature babies. It's what I do.
K&A were born at 34 weeks. Harper was born at 27 weeks.

I've never been more than 34 weeks pregnant, but I have looked at least 48 weeks pregnant.

What you may not know about me is that I'm uber competitive.
If I'm next to you, we are racing. I've always been that way.
And now, it's almost like a challenge.
Can I birth a full term, healthy baby?
Will I ever have a baby that I get to hold in the delivery room? Instead of waiting days to see...

Only God knows the answer to that.

This summer so far has been bittersweet for several reasons.

First off, K&A are away almost the entire summer.
When they are gone, I miss them but it also makes me miss Harper more.
Our house is so quiet that it hurts my ears.

Second, I decided before the summer started that I was taking full advantage of this
non-pregnant summer. We've gone on trips that we wouldn't have been able to go on
if Harper were still here. It's heartbreaking because I would miss every vacation for
every summer if we could have him back, but that's not how it works.

When we were on our way to the lake recently, one of the girls innocently asked
where we would put Harper if he were there. {Since we overpacked, big time.}
I assured her it wouldn't be a problem fitting him in if he were there.

So, we are making it a point to enjoy the summer the best we can.
And enjoy each other as a family of 4.....or as a family of 2 most nights while the girls
are off having the best summer ever.

One day, I think our family will expand again.
It could be a full term baby.
It could be adoption.
But I know there is a plan.

The funny thing is, after I had Harper, I felt like I would have more kids.
Which was weird, because I never planned on having more.
But it just felt like I should keep my maternity clothes just in case.....

I always said that there will be no more kids after 35 (I'm only 31, for the record!),
because I wanted to retire and travel in an RV with FH without having
to worry about my kids being in high school.
Or attending an elementary program with gray hair (as a Mom, not a Grandma)

But now, I realize that raising kids is "living my life".
The years when they are young, and you want to pull your hair out, or you just want to
take a bathroom break without having someone knock on the door needing you....
Those are "the good ole days". Those are the days that make your life worth living.

All I know is I can't wait until my lap is no longer empty.
And I get to see FH with a sweet baby in his arms. :)

***Disclaimer: because of the emergency C-section that I had with Harper and
because of all the complications, I am at a huge risk if I get pregnant within the
first year after he was born. So in no way, shape, or form is this blog post prepping
y'all for bigs news. Just so y'all know. In other words, I live in a small town so
don't start telling people I'm knocked up, mmmkay?***
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