I'd like to write a book.
A book about life in the NICU.
One of the worse things about being a NICU mom is feeling all alone.
And not knowing what to expect.
Since I'm a part of the blog world, I searched for blogs and read them...
and that was so comforting to me.
But if you aren't a blogger, you probably wouldn't go that route.
The only person that understands the NICU life is a Mom that has lived through it.
And I want to help other Moms with tips and things I learned.
My question for you is....how do I do it?
Should I just write it all out, then see how long it is?
Maybe just make it a pamphlet to hand out at the NICU?
Maybe turn it into an e-book? Because let's be honest, we all know I
write a lot so it probably won't be short.
And most importantly, do you think that I shouldn't write it because
of how my story ends? Would you really want to read a story about a
baby that went to heaven after 5 months when you yourself are praying
for your own child?? I think I can make it positive enough....but I also know
that emotions are all over the place for these moms so I would never want
to discourage them!!!
Any advice that you have for me is greatly appreciated. :)
Happy hump day!
Pin It Now!
Feb 26, 2014
Feb 25, 2014
Advocare!!
Let's lighten everything up today, shall we?
Things have gotten pretty deep around here lately, and they probably will be for awhile.
But today I want to talk to you about something new I am focusing on.
Advocare.
I've been dying to try Advocare for about a year now.
But I couldn't because I was pregnant.
And then I couldn't because I was breastfeeding.
{Although there are a few of the products that you can use while breastfeeding.}
I'm finally in a place where I can do it.
And I couldn't be more exciting!
What a great opportunity for a distraction...and boy do I need a distraction!
You can read all about Advocare here.
This is a great tool to learn all about it.
I always want to give credit where credit is due, but I just found this tool while googling....
so to whomever put it together, thank you!
I also searched pinterest for "advocare cleanse" and found lots of positive stuff.
I'm going to be starting a 10 day cleanse on March 3....
so I can be finished just in time for spring break. :)
If you would like to join me, you can order your cleanse here.
Just click on SHOP at the top of the page, then in the search box, enter
in "cleanse". The herbal cleanse 10 day supply should come up. You can
order it from there.
Spark, the most amazing drink you will ever have, provides you with a pick-
me-up that will help you during the cleanse. It's not required, but it is
something you might want to think about buying in addition to the cleanse.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
I will, of course, be blogging about my cleanse each day so that y'all can
follow along.
Happy Tuesday everybody!
Pin It Now!
Things have gotten pretty deep around here lately, and they probably will be for awhile.
But today I want to talk to you about something new I am focusing on.
Advocare.
I've been dying to try Advocare for about a year now.
But I couldn't because I was pregnant.
And then I couldn't because I was breastfeeding.
{Although there are a few of the products that you can use while breastfeeding.}
I'm finally in a place where I can do it.
And I couldn't be more exciting!
What a great opportunity for a distraction...and boy do I need a distraction!
You can read all about Advocare here.
This is a great tool to learn all about it.
I always want to give credit where credit is due, but I just found this tool while googling....
so to whomever put it together, thank you!
I also searched pinterest for "advocare cleanse" and found lots of positive stuff.
I'm going to be starting a 10 day cleanse on March 3....
so I can be finished just in time for spring break. :)
If you would like to join me, you can order your cleanse here.
Just click on SHOP at the top of the page, then in the search box, enter
in "cleanse". The herbal cleanse 10 day supply should come up. You can
order it from there.
Spark, the most amazing drink you will ever have, provides you with a pick-
me-up that will help you during the cleanse. It's not required, but it is
something you might want to think about buying in addition to the cleanse.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
I will, of course, be blogging about my cleanse each day so that y'all can
follow along.
Happy Tuesday everybody!
Pin It Now!
Feb 23, 2014
One Week
It's one AM and I can't sleep.
And I start back to work tomorrow morning.
That presents a problem.
It's one of those nights where you lay in bed and run over and over and over things.
Or if you are like me, you start writing a blog post in your head and don't want to forget it.
It's been exactly one week since Harper went to heaven.
One long, long week.
What a difference a week makes.
That was the subject of his eulogy.
What a difference a day makes.
And let me just tell you, it was perfect.
My cousin Brodie did his eulogy.
My cousin who has never done a funeral before.
And he did perfect.
I even heard that one person's reaction was "wherever that guy preaches, I want to go"
And he lost a son himself not too long ago.
Is there anyone left out there that still thinks that God doesn't have this life planned out perfectly?
How obvious is it that God planned this out exactly, preparing him for Harper's eulogy?
And he reads my blog, and quoted some of it while he was speaking.
So in a way, I wrote part of my son's eulogy.
That is the most amazing feeling ever, that he used my words and that others heard/read them.
I haven't always been so vocal about my faith.
Most people don't know that I have an amazing relationship with God.
In fact, I'm sure even my husband, who knows every single thing there is to know about me, didn't know the extent of it before.
God is my best friend.
And while others might see the death of their child as something to get angry about. Saying
"Why me God, why me?"
I've seen my son being taken away from me for reasons that only God can know.
He has lead me to say "Use me God, use me. Use me to teach others, to show them that we can handle anything with you beside us."
So many people have told me that I've been so strong throughout this.
Don't think I haven't been horribly sad. I have been.
Don't think that I don't have moments where I can't even complete a task because I can no longer see because of tears rolling down my face.
But please do think that I am taking this opportunity and trying my best to find the good in it.
To God be the glory. And let me just tell you, my sweet baby boy is bringing glory to God right now.
What a difference a week makes.
Four weeks ago, I left work on maternity leave.
My second maternity leave.
The first one was spent recovering from a C-section and visiting my son in the NICU.
Praying he would live.
My second one was something I waited and waited and waited on.
Something I felt like would never get here.
And then I finally walked out of those doors of work, almost in tears because my baby boy was coming home.
Tomorrow, I will walk back in those doors. Probably with more tears. But tears because my
baby boy finally did make it to his forever home.
I'll miss him. I know it gets easier as time goes by.
I know at some point I will have to clean out his room instead of just keeping the doors closed.
But he is always at the back of my mind. Always.
Don't worry. I don't plan on turning my blog into a preaching sermon every time I write.
I don't plan on being that friend that never shuts up.
But I do plan to be more open about my faith.
If this is the way God wants to use me, because he knows that I am an over-sharer and that I like to blast everything on social media. If that's why he chose me to take care of his sweet angel on earth for almost 5 months, then I'm gonna do it when I feel like I should.
Other than that, it will be business as usual around here.
I'm sure my life will get back to boring sooner than later. :)
Thank you for reading our story, for following along.
And don't forget to kiss your sweet babies at least one million times a day.
That's how often I kissed BH. No doubt, in the back of my mind, God was urging me to do so because time was limited.
Now, let's see about some sleep...... Pin It Now!
And I start back to work tomorrow morning.
That presents a problem.
It's one of those nights where you lay in bed and run over and over and over things.
Or if you are like me, you start writing a blog post in your head and don't want to forget it.
It's been exactly one week since Harper went to heaven.
One long, long week.
What a difference a week makes.
That was the subject of his eulogy.
What a difference a day makes.
And let me just tell you, it was perfect.
My cousin Brodie did his eulogy.
My cousin who has never done a funeral before.
And he did perfect.
I even heard that one person's reaction was "wherever that guy preaches, I want to go"
And he lost a son himself not too long ago.
Is there anyone left out there that still thinks that God doesn't have this life planned out perfectly?
How obvious is it that God planned this out exactly, preparing him for Harper's eulogy?
And he reads my blog, and quoted some of it while he was speaking.
So in a way, I wrote part of my son's eulogy.
That is the most amazing feeling ever, that he used my words and that others heard/read them.
I haven't always been so vocal about my faith.
Most people don't know that I have an amazing relationship with God.
In fact, I'm sure even my husband, who knows every single thing there is to know about me, didn't know the extent of it before.
God is my best friend.
And while others might see the death of their child as something to get angry about. Saying
"Why me God, why me?"
I've seen my son being taken away from me for reasons that only God can know.
He has lead me to say "Use me God, use me. Use me to teach others, to show them that we can handle anything with you beside us."
So many people have told me that I've been so strong throughout this.
Don't think I haven't been horribly sad. I have been.
Don't think that I don't have moments where I can't even complete a task because I can no longer see because of tears rolling down my face.
But please do think that I am taking this opportunity and trying my best to find the good in it.
To God be the glory. And let me just tell you, my sweet baby boy is bringing glory to God right now.
What a difference a week makes.
Four weeks ago, I left work on maternity leave.
My second maternity leave.
The first one was spent recovering from a C-section and visiting my son in the NICU.
Praying he would live.
My second one was something I waited and waited and waited on.
Something I felt like would never get here.
And then I finally walked out of those doors of work, almost in tears because my baby boy was coming home.
Tomorrow, I will walk back in those doors. Probably with more tears. But tears because my
baby boy finally did make it to his forever home.
I'll miss him. I know it gets easier as time goes by.
I know at some point I will have to clean out his room instead of just keeping the doors closed.
But he is always at the back of my mind. Always.
Don't worry. I don't plan on turning my blog into a preaching sermon every time I write.
I don't plan on being that friend that never shuts up.
But I do plan to be more open about my faith.
If this is the way God wants to use me, because he knows that I am an over-sharer and that I like to blast everything on social media. If that's why he chose me to take care of his sweet angel on earth for almost 5 months, then I'm gonna do it when I feel like I should.
Other than that, it will be business as usual around here.
I'm sure my life will get back to boring sooner than later. :)
Thank you for reading our story, for following along.
And don't forget to kiss your sweet babies at least one million times a day.
That's how often I kissed BH. No doubt, in the back of my mind, God was urging me to do so because time was limited.
Now, let's see about some sleep...... Pin It Now!
Feb 18, 2014
Our Little Angel
Let me forewarn you that this post will be sad. It will be full of emotions and probably all over the place. You may hate me for writing it, for sharing it with the world, but this is my outlet. This is how I cope. Please love me through it.
For those of you who don't know, our son went to be with Jesus just two nights ago.
It has been the most excruciating painful time that I have ever experienced and I don't wish this on anyone. We aren't the first to go through such a horrible event as losing a child, and unfortunately, we won't be the last.
We wake up in the morning, and we cry.
We go to sleep at night, and we cry.
We suddenly wake up at one of his normal feeding times, and we cry...because no one woke us up.
We swear we hear him crying in another room, and we cry.
We swear that we hear his music playing in his crib, and we cry.
I randomly stumble upon his high chair that is still sitting, unused in the box, and I lose it.
He will never use that high chair.
He will never poop in all the diapers I have stockpiled.
The breastmilk that I spent hours accumulating and freezing over the last 5 months, he will never drink.
So many outfits he won't wear.
There will be no more pictures of him, and I took tons every single day.
I think that God prepared me for this in a way.
I can honestly tell you that I never took a single second of Harper's life for granted.
Maybe it all felt too perfect, too surreal having him with us. It felt too good to be true.
You see, I prayed for months that I would get pregnant with him. And when I finally did, I knew to appreciate the miracle growing inside of me.
And then, when he was born way too early, I prayed for months that he would be okay.
That he would breathe better, eat better, get better so he could come home with us.
Once he came home, and didn't sleep much, I couldn't get mad at him. Even at 2 AM, wide awake, he was so precious to me. I was so glad to finally have him home and in my arms, all to myself in the middle of the night, that it didn't matter that my eyes were burning with lack of sleep.
So in a way, God prepared me.
Had this been a normal pregnancy, I wouldn't have been able to handle this.
I know a lot of you want to know what exactly happened.
Well, so do I!
Harper was wonderful up until about 10 o'clock that night.
We had gone on a walk that afternoon and I cherished the fact that I could take him in the stroller.
He had been spitting up a good bit that day, which we knew was more than normal.
We were watching him closely, and making sure he wasn't dehydrated. Doing everything that we had been taught. And we were going to call the doctor on Monday morning.
Of course, this is when we could say "what if"...what if we would have called the doctor right then?
What if we would have taken him to the emergency room right then?
But I have to be realistic....why would we take him to the emergency room just because he was spitting up? Babies spit up, it's normal.
Please don't judge me on this, or tell me what you would have done differently.
We aren't perfect, and obviously we probably would have benefitted from taking him to the hospital, but I think "what ifs" are absolutely horrible.
We can't go back and question everything done. We can't change anything. Nothing brings our baby back.
So right before it was time for his next bottle, Harper was sleeping in his daddy's arms.
I had just gotten back from the grocery store, and all 3 of us were in the kitchen together laughing, while putting away groceries. This may seem unimportant but it will forever be my last good memory.
We laughed because Harper would hear my voice and start looking for me. He knew my voice.
And that warmed my heart every single time. He was a Momma's boy through and through.
So FH held Harper so that he could watch me while I put up groceries. It was almost like he was memorizing my face, so he could have it with him in heaven.
While Harper was sleeping, he started spitting up. When I tell you that Michael did amazing, I mean absolutely amazing during all this, I mean it. I freaked out and was zero help at all.
It felt almost like he was dry-heaving. Like he needed to spit up more, but couldn't because there was nothing in his tummy. And that's when he started having trouble breathing.
Fh told me to call 911.
And honestly, I was slow moving. I guess I thought that if I waited just a bit, it would be a false alarm. That we would have it under control.
It was not a false alarm.
I called 911. You should know we live in a small town. Our ambulance is slow.
The cops and the firemen got here. And my friend Lindsey who is a NICU nurse got here.
I remember the cop saying he was breathing. Good, he was breathing.
Lindsey, God bless her, dropped everything and came to our house. Her little kids in tow.
If it weren't such a horrific moment, I would have laughed when she yelled at the cop and said "Someone go sit with my kids outside, I'm not getting arrested."
He was still breathing when the ambulance arrived.
The ambulance, it just wasn't equipped for how tiny he was.
I will forever wonder if his ride to the ambulance was the reason for his death.
If their lack of tiny equipment was the reason he didn't make it.
But again, speculating or placing blame helps nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I rode in the ambulance. And I was terrified.
Honestly I thought Harper was okay. He was breathing still when FH handed him over, surely we are better off now that professionals are in charge.
I even was mad at myself for not bringing any milk with us. I was thinking about how he was going to be hungry and that we were prob going to be back at the NICU for awhile.
I just focused on not throwing up while riding over 100 mph in that ambulance.
It should be noted that I was already feeling sick before any of this had started.
When we got to the hospital, the paramedic jumped out of the ambulance running with Harper in his arms. At the time, this told me nothing. Now I realize that he ran because he wasn't breathing.
When we arrived at the hospital, he wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating enough for him to live.
They were able to restart his heart about 3 or 4 times.
It was absolutely horrible to see him laying on that huge table, naked and helpless.
I just wanted to hold him. And make everything better.
They finally got him stable enough to get a head scan.
The doctor told us that she would read the scan immediately.
We knew immediately that something was wrong when she didn't come to tell us the results.
They worked on him for 2 hours. Poor sweet little baby just wanted to go home to Jesus, and they kept bringing him back. Of course I wanted him myself, but after 2 hours, it becomes evident.
He was not ours anymore.
The doctor finally came to us. She told us that he would never be "our Harper" again. His brain went without oxygen for too long. No matter how prepared you think you are for this, you aren't. You can't be. There's just one tiny shred of hope left in you. She told us that they don't like to call it on babies, because they all have babies at home and know how horrible this is. So what did we want to do.
There was no doubt in my mind at all. I would have laid down on that table myself to take the pain away from him, so I wanted to do anything I could to help him.
Being in God's arms was a much, much better place for him that being on that table, barely hanging on.
I wanted to hold him. I always wondered how moms do that...how do mothers with stillborn babies hold their babies? How do parents with dying children hold them? The answer is quite simple actually. "Because that's my baby." I needed to hug him and love on him.
They swaddled him and handed him to me. I rocked him in my arms. And FH and I sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him. Minutes could have gone by or hours, we looked up and we were all alone in that huge room, that was previously occupied by 20+ nurses and doctors.
I'm so glad that Harper went straight from my arms to Jesus' arms.
I know he is breathing so easily in heaven and I can't wait to see him again.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please say an extra prayer for my husband. We all know how a father loves a son, and their bond was extremely great as he stayed home with him while I was at work.
We have a long road ahead of us, filled with winding curves and hills and tons of potholes. But I know that since God brought us to it, He will bring us through it. I 100% believe that because of all your prayers, God has given me the strength to deal with this. His arms are wrapped around me and I feel them more than I ever have before.
Pin It Now!
For those of you who don't know, our son went to be with Jesus just two nights ago.
It has been the most excruciating painful time that I have ever experienced and I don't wish this on anyone. We aren't the first to go through such a horrible event as losing a child, and unfortunately, we won't be the last.
We wake up in the morning, and we cry.
We go to sleep at night, and we cry.
We suddenly wake up at one of his normal feeding times, and we cry...because no one woke us up.
We swear we hear him crying in another room, and we cry.
We swear that we hear his music playing in his crib, and we cry.
I randomly stumble upon his high chair that is still sitting, unused in the box, and I lose it.
He will never use that high chair.
He will never poop in all the diapers I have stockpiled.
The breastmilk that I spent hours accumulating and freezing over the last 5 months, he will never drink.
So many outfits he won't wear.
There will be no more pictures of him, and I took tons every single day.
I think that God prepared me for this in a way.
I can honestly tell you that I never took a single second of Harper's life for granted.
Maybe it all felt too perfect, too surreal having him with us. It felt too good to be true.
You see, I prayed for months that I would get pregnant with him. And when I finally did, I knew to appreciate the miracle growing inside of me.
And then, when he was born way too early, I prayed for months that he would be okay.
That he would breathe better, eat better, get better so he could come home with us.
Once he came home, and didn't sleep much, I couldn't get mad at him. Even at 2 AM, wide awake, he was so precious to me. I was so glad to finally have him home and in my arms, all to myself in the middle of the night, that it didn't matter that my eyes were burning with lack of sleep.
So in a way, God prepared me.
Had this been a normal pregnancy, I wouldn't have been able to handle this.
I know a lot of you want to know what exactly happened.
Well, so do I!
Harper was wonderful up until about 10 o'clock that night.
We had gone on a walk that afternoon and I cherished the fact that I could take him in the stroller.
He had been spitting up a good bit that day, which we knew was more than normal.
We were watching him closely, and making sure he wasn't dehydrated. Doing everything that we had been taught. And we were going to call the doctor on Monday morning.
Of course, this is when we could say "what if"...what if we would have called the doctor right then?
What if we would have taken him to the emergency room right then?
But I have to be realistic....why would we take him to the emergency room just because he was spitting up? Babies spit up, it's normal.
Please don't judge me on this, or tell me what you would have done differently.
We aren't perfect, and obviously we probably would have benefitted from taking him to the hospital, but I think "what ifs" are absolutely horrible.
We can't go back and question everything done. We can't change anything. Nothing brings our baby back.
So right before it was time for his next bottle, Harper was sleeping in his daddy's arms.
I had just gotten back from the grocery store, and all 3 of us were in the kitchen together laughing, while putting away groceries. This may seem unimportant but it will forever be my last good memory.
We laughed because Harper would hear my voice and start looking for me. He knew my voice.
And that warmed my heart every single time. He was a Momma's boy through and through.
So FH held Harper so that he could watch me while I put up groceries. It was almost like he was memorizing my face, so he could have it with him in heaven.
While Harper was sleeping, he started spitting up. When I tell you that Michael did amazing, I mean absolutely amazing during all this, I mean it. I freaked out and was zero help at all.
It felt almost like he was dry-heaving. Like he needed to spit up more, but couldn't because there was nothing in his tummy. And that's when he started having trouble breathing.
Fh told me to call 911.
And honestly, I was slow moving. I guess I thought that if I waited just a bit, it would be a false alarm. That we would have it under control.
It was not a false alarm.
I called 911. You should know we live in a small town. Our ambulance is slow.
The cops and the firemen got here. And my friend Lindsey who is a NICU nurse got here.
I remember the cop saying he was breathing. Good, he was breathing.
Lindsey, God bless her, dropped everything and came to our house. Her little kids in tow.
If it weren't such a horrific moment, I would have laughed when she yelled at the cop and said "Someone go sit with my kids outside, I'm not getting arrested."
He was still breathing when the ambulance arrived.
The ambulance, it just wasn't equipped for how tiny he was.
I will forever wonder if his ride to the ambulance was the reason for his death.
If their lack of tiny equipment was the reason he didn't make it.
But again, speculating or placing blame helps nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I rode in the ambulance. And I was terrified.
Honestly I thought Harper was okay. He was breathing still when FH handed him over, surely we are better off now that professionals are in charge.
I even was mad at myself for not bringing any milk with us. I was thinking about how he was going to be hungry and that we were prob going to be back at the NICU for awhile.
I just focused on not throwing up while riding over 100 mph in that ambulance.
It should be noted that I was already feeling sick before any of this had started.
When we got to the hospital, the paramedic jumped out of the ambulance running with Harper in his arms. At the time, this told me nothing. Now I realize that he ran because he wasn't breathing.
When we arrived at the hospital, he wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating enough for him to live.
They were able to restart his heart about 3 or 4 times.
It was absolutely horrible to see him laying on that huge table, naked and helpless.
I just wanted to hold him. And make everything better.
They finally got him stable enough to get a head scan.
The doctor told us that she would read the scan immediately.
We knew immediately that something was wrong when she didn't come to tell us the results.
They worked on him for 2 hours. Poor sweet little baby just wanted to go home to Jesus, and they kept bringing him back. Of course I wanted him myself, but after 2 hours, it becomes evident.
He was not ours anymore.
The doctor finally came to us. She told us that he would never be "our Harper" again. His brain went without oxygen for too long. No matter how prepared you think you are for this, you aren't. You can't be. There's just one tiny shred of hope left in you. She told us that they don't like to call it on babies, because they all have babies at home and know how horrible this is. So what did we want to do.
There was no doubt in my mind at all. I would have laid down on that table myself to take the pain away from him, so I wanted to do anything I could to help him.
Being in God's arms was a much, much better place for him that being on that table, barely hanging on.
I wanted to hold him. I always wondered how moms do that...how do mothers with stillborn babies hold their babies? How do parents with dying children hold them? The answer is quite simple actually. "Because that's my baby." I needed to hug him and love on him.
They swaddled him and handed him to me. I rocked him in my arms. And FH and I sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him. Minutes could have gone by or hours, we looked up and we were all alone in that huge room, that was previously occupied by 20+ nurses and doctors.
I'm so glad that Harper went straight from my arms to Jesus' arms.
I know he is breathing so easily in heaven and I can't wait to see him again.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please say an extra prayer for my husband. We all know how a father loves a son, and their bond was extremely great as he stayed home with him while I was at work.
We have a long road ahead of us, filled with winding curves and hills and tons of potholes. But I know that since God brought us to it, He will bring us through it. I 100% believe that because of all your prayers, God has given me the strength to deal with this. His arms are wrapped around me and I feel them more than I ever have before.
Pin It Now!
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